


Out Loud

by commander_hot_pants



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Previous Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 00:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12047316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commander_hot_pants/pseuds/commander_hot_pants
Summary: Garrus knew very little about Shepard's past, she just didnt talk about it. And since Virmire, she'd been even more private. When he happens upon her in the shower, she finally allows him a peek at what made her Spectre Shepard.





	Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> Tbh. I wrote this like 4 years ago. I just never uploaded it. Its probably not up to my standards, but I wanted to get it out. I also miss this Shepard, she was the Shepard who brought me back to fandom. Anyway. Enjoy.

There was exactly one shower room on the SSV Normandy. Communal showers of this nature weren’t unheard of on Alliance ships, but it was usually accompanied by a smaller decontamination rooms so even the shy could get 'technically clean', but the SSV Normandy was not a standard Alliance ship in either structure or mission. The single shower room was a concept implemented strait from turian dreadnoughts, where co-ed nudity was completely accepted and even occasionally encouraged.  It saved space (invaluable on a ship) and, in the case of a primarily human vessel, encouraged quicker showers. 

That meant no matter what rank, gender, or species you were, if you wanted to be clean you had to spend some time in that shower room. Despite the shower room being of turian design, it was Garrus Vakarian who felt most uncomfortable in it.

Even after months aboard the Normandy there was still an implication of distance between him and the human crew mates. No matter how well they got to know him, he would always be the monster from their childhoods. Most of the crew were polite to him, and Shepard always made it clear the 'aliens' among her crew were there because they belong there, but many of the Alliance Soldiers had never worked closely with other turians. This left him at the disadvantage of sharing a likeness to the rogue spectre they were hunting.

Mostly Garrus kept to himself, kept to the hanger and kept himself busy with the endless Mako repairs (Spirits knew every time Shepard took that thing out, it came back on the brink of vehicle death). And in turn the crew lent him space.

Unfortunately that didn't make showering any easier. With some trial and error, Garrus had eventually come to shower in the dead center of the ships night cycle when the crew was skeleton and anyone who could was sleeping. It meant skipping uncomfortable side glances and kept the air clear from unspoken questions about his physiology.

So when he entered the shower room and saw someone else already occupying it, it was a surprise, but even more surprising was the specific person. Commander Shepard was always available if needed, she held the type of open door policy which welcomed anyone to grab a word with her.

But since Virmire she had kept more to herself. So happening upon her in the shower made him hesitate.

There were no stalls in the shower room but there were meter and half tall partitions equally space to give the illusion of privacy. Garrus averted his eyes the moment he recognized her. Turians may have been comfortable with naked bodies of their comrades but he knew humans weren’t, particularly since his height made the dividers practically useless.

 "Shepard. I'm sorry, I didn’t-"

"Common showers, Garrus." Her voice was even, maybe even a little light hearted, "You won't make me uncomfortable." Garrus let out a nervous chuckle and headed towards the back most corner unit where the water was hottest.

 "I havnt seen you in a while," He commented, although he wasn’t sure if this was the type of situation humans made small talk in, "I thought I might have offended you."

"Not offended, just avoiding the smell." Shepard's shower went off and she pressed the button to begin another minute stream of hot water upon her, "Now that I have proof you shower, I'll have to start making my rounds again." 

"If there's a smell, I assure you its Wrex." Garrus pressed his button, jumping slightly at the water which was always colder then he preferred, "Although it's probably better you don’t tell him I said that."

"I'll keep this between us." He glanced over at her for only a second, Garrus was only a student of human body language but Shepards shoulders were speaking clearly.

"Are you doing alright, Commander?" Shepard was silent for a while, long enough that both their showers turned off and they stood in the echoing silent room.

"He has to be stopped." She finally murmured, " _Saren_ has to be stopped." She repeated louder, "He can't be allowed to take another life." There was a soft sound as she rest her forehead against the wall, "Kaidan was a good man. He didn’t deserve-" She punched the shower back on, punctuating her abrupt silence.

Garrus' mandibles tightened to his face, trying to grasp suitable words. Kaidan's death hung above the crew like a fog. He was another in a long list of growing casualties caused by  Saren, but he was more than a name in the margin of acceptable loss. Kaidan was a pair of friendly brown eyes, a set of helpful hands,  a distant laugh in the CIC. Although they didnt always see eye to eye, Garrus called him a friend.

 _Used to_ call him a friend.

He'd never ask, but he was sure Shepard would have liked to call him more than a friend. He was still unfamiliar with human body language, but he understood how _he_ felt when she smiled at Kaidan. It was a crooked smile, that just barely crinkled one eye and it sent  spark of warmth under the back of his cowl, jealousy. Even though Shepard was a human, even though she was his commanding officer, even though she was a Spectre, Garrus wanted her to smile at him like she smiled at Kaidan. 

But he hadnt seen Shepard smile in a while.

"We'll get him. We've got the best people-"

"Even an assortment of the galaxies most skilled persons could fail where a _team_ of amateurs would succeed." Shepard interrupted, voice firm, "And we are a team. We're going to stop him before he takes anyone else."  Garrus had no idea what to say, so he allowed a heavy silence to fill the room. He slowly washed his body, and allowed the water to turn off. He wrapped a towel around himself and was about to leave when Shepard spoke again.

"I was married once." Her breath hitched, caused her to sob once but she rolled it into a laugh, "Not married, bonded." Garrus tilted his head to the side suddenly.

" _B_ _onded_?"

"Yeah," She leaned her forehead against the wall again, but turned to look at him, the slightest smirk on her lips, "He was a Turian. He was a soldier when I knew him, a lousy one... He never was one for taking orders or direction," Her shoulders jumped with a quick laugh, "or criticism." She straightened up and for the first time in a while a genuine smile consumed her face. "He was recruited to the Spectre program years ago, removed my name from the official records, to protect me. His mentor started censoring his communications, I didn't hear much from him after that. Every once and awhile his name came up on the vids, or an email snuck through," Garrus recognized her smile, the same one she'd made to Kaidan, the same one that made him jealous, "and it's like I can feel his arms around me, and it feels like I'm not alone. Saren killed him."

Shepard's tone was suddenly so monotone, so detached, so _cold_ that Garrus didn’t realize the weight of her words for several seconds. Forgetting courtesy he turned to face her, catching her with fingers half caught in her red hair, paused like she’d forgotten about them, "They knew each other, trusted each other. Saren abused that trust to-" If he hadn't been accustomed to listening for subharmonics he might have missed the sob disguised as a deep breath, "There were no signs of struggle, his kinetic barrier was down. Saren shot him point blank in the back of the head."

"Nihlus Kryik…?" Garrus asked. He caught Shepard’s smile before it was suppressed.  A silence settled upon them that stretched nearly a minute, "What was he like? Nihlus, I mean..." He winced at his own ineptness but Shepards smile only deepened until it crinkled her eyes.

"Short," She chirped, "for a Turian. Toxic eyes, a killer smile. He had this way of looking at me, when he thought I couldn't see... He was a great man." She sighed and held her hands up to catch water, "This work… it leaves you jaded, Garrus." She tilted her face up, letting the spray hit her chest, "I've- We've seen more violent deaths than anyone should. Bone, brain matter, blood…You see it and you forget that it once belonged to a living person. With friends, with family." Her shower turned off and this time she let it, "But when it belongs to someone you love... Death can't become a co-worker."

 She put a hand out in front of her pressing it against the wall, "You have to remember why it's important to fight, why it's important to protect, and most of all why it's important to keep going." She looked at him, her dark eyes vibrant against her pale skin, "Do you understand?"

Garrus nodded slowly, "I think so."

"I need everyone at their best, we can't give up. Saren has to be stopped." Shepard grabbed the towel hanging over the partition and scrubbed it over her face and through her hair. Garrus grabbed a clean uniform from the nearby shelf and approached her. Their eyes met and held is for several seconds, and although his gaze did not leave hers, from his peripherals he could see her turn and expose herself to him. The unintentional intimacy caught in his throat, as she took the uniform from him, long fingers ghosting against his through the dense fabric.

"Thanks." She pressed it to her chest and finally broke eye contact to glance downward at his body, slowly wandering her way back up, "Lost your towel."  He looked down and had to clench his fingers to keep from covering himself. She moved while he was distracted, pressing her mouth against his mandible for a brief second.

"Thank you for listening, Garrus." She wrapped the towel around herself and tossed the uniform across her shoulder, taking great, leisurely steps out of the showers. Garrus watched her until the absolute last moment, finally letting out a hiss of a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He felt his plates shift, and was suddenly angered about the Normandy's lack of private shower space for a whole new reason.

He returned to the shower and this time opted specifically for a less hot shower.

Wherever this path lead, he knew he'd follow Shepard anywhere.


End file.
